#and then cry after we hang up
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i hate sales i hate being sold things. if u work in sales i'm probably mad at you at least a little.
#this is about cold callers and how i'm so bad at saying no firmly and if i get Any pushback on my No whatsoever i just give in#and then cry after we hang up#usually i'm like 3 Nos deep at that point and they just do not care they will Not let me off the phone#until i agree to do some fuckass demo for some product i KNOW that our office does. not. need.#last time i did one of these the first thing the guy asked me is 'so what is it you're looking for that made you want to do this demo?'#and i said 'honestly sir i said no multiple times and your coworker did not accept that answer. we have no need to be filled by ur product'#yet somehow this mf kept me on the zoom for 20 minutes
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i don't think I've ever enjoyed a birthday party with friends as much as today i am genuinely getting a bit teary eyed
#initially i wasn't planning to do anything but then i thought what the hell what if we go out to drink something#except it was all very up in the air so a good deal of folks couldn't come (which is fine that one's on me)#but the two who COULD make it are genuinely some of the funniest motherfuckers I've ever met and one of them brought his gf along#and we hit it off IMMEDIATELY and THEN we ran into another pal I hadn't seen in a while and hadn't had the chance to invite in person#who also joined in after he finished hanging out with other people and they got me a present????? 😭#i haven't had a birthday with friends in fucking . 3 years between covid and everyone i knew moving away#I'm so happy i think my heart is going to explode#which ik. hey isn't that a very boring and simple hangout YES but also not to me baby i have been in a depression isolation all my teens#i started to genuinely enjoy my day to day life like. 4 months ago ever since starting uni#it feels like turning a new leaf yknow? like. i made it. i made it out. god i could cry#sorry I'm a little drunk
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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ideas: i didn't really think of him being underwater but they deserve to have drama by crying there too so i just think you could say something about the composition being denser than water or w/e. proteins
i'm always like good thing he didn't try to exit asap via swimming in ciao alberto But What If He Did lol. just swim Somewhere else along the coast, maybe panic about [money??] & whether somehow this ruins school for luca, whether he can get in touch w/o it being On Sight b/w him & all marcovaldos, consider just kind of trying out other places, traveling after all...fascinating considering the other povs on the issue like: now there's the paguros to sympathize w/a kid vanishing, luca however in a somewhat more novel position there, giulia's throwback to alberto being a bit perplexing lmao, kind of thinking the best massimo could do is have a prewritten letter for luca to give to alberto If Possible, conveying something like i know you didn't set my livelihood on fire on purpose but even if you did i'd want you to stay. and luca in a position to do all of "maybe give the island fun facts so someone can check if he's there" & "wait & hope alberto can/does get in touch" & "have a lot of feelings"....not even the context of what this drawing is about necessarily, just tacking it on here anyways. ahead of time i went "heh now i Know they're gonna have it get little Real here b/c it's really about alberto wanting the security of feeling he can 'earn' a sustained relationship" then the short cleared & i was lying completely dead on the pavement
#luca 2021#pixar luca#alberto scorfano#love when like ''yeah ofc you Could guess approx what would happen; b/c of The Themes & things following them''#but then like of course it still manages to Surprise. feels apt when like ppl doing some savvy media analysis can Guess along w/the film#like oh we're gonna fight here we might have our secret revealed here yep. then get caught off guard by alberto but 110% surprised by luca#even as ofc it all makes sense & is cohesive w/those Themes that have been unfolding; not just breaking w/the material to Surprise us#but still unpredictable. the whole movie being so vignettey (god bless. i live) allowing for a lot of that too like just Stuff Can Happen#someone can guess alberto's dad is not in the picture really but you could think oh he's been killed by humans. No lol...#or massimo lost an arm to sea monsters. but no. oh my god & this is how i realize i didn't draw alberto's arm scar hang on lol#okay there it is. here we go gays (me turning in for some rest at 8:15 am)#oh i read this picture book in the internet archive abt like A Parent Expressing Unconditional Love via conversation w/a child. hang on#''even if i did something awful'' by barbara shook hazen; i did think of it here. let me obtain a quote for effect...#[but what if i did something really truly awful?] [like what?] [like playing ball in the living room after you told me not to & breaking#the vase daddy gave you for your birthday even if i didn't mean to & it was an accident? would you still love me then?]#[i love you so much i'd love you if you Did mean to & it wasn't an accident. / but i might also be mad & yell things like 'i've told you a#thousand times!' & 'this is the last straw!' & 'i've had it with your disobeying!' & send you to your room with no dessert... / ...& cry a#little & pick up the pieces.] [i'll help.] [but i still love you no matter what; no matter how mad; no matter how awful. & i always will.]#so long as it's commitment to Actual support which; massimo already On That even before realizing like oh bereft And you're of the sea.....
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computer fastest way to the joker lair NO freeways..... puter?!
#computer fastest way to not being exhausted all the time.....PUTER SAVE ME#im so#sorry not sorry im ranting in the tags rn#i havent had sex in so long#i wanted to hang wuth my partner this weekend FINALLY alone without having to fucking drive 7 hours to be alone and acutally ahve like no#plans and we get stuck with the baby and im so sick of being treated like an extra mother for him#i love him so much dont get me wrong but like..... why am i getting NONE in my relationship bc im too tired after dealing with him or the#teenagers and the one fucking time ive been looking forward too all week i get fucking dumped with the baby AGAIN#like i do not want kids for THIS EXACT REASON no fucking free time no fucking time for myself or my fucking hobbies or my fucking partner#i wanted to cut and dye my hair today after shopping i wanted to sit and fucking watch a movie and makeout with my partner and instead i ge#a sick toddler whos fucking sleeping like shit to worry about like GOD I WANT TO SCREAM#im just#so fucking done with kids and babies anf fucking children and i cant stand this house and all the noise and all the fucking mess and just#EVERYTHING it is everything i hate and i cant fucking do anything about it and i fucking CRIED bc i was so frustrated and i dont cry super#often not bc like i think its weak i just its not smth i do often and im just sick of my relationship having to go ont he backburner bc of#the baby and IM FUCKING ONLY 22!!!!!!!! LIKE WHY ARE THESE MY FUCKING PROBLEMS AT 22 WITH A KID THAT ISNT EVEN MIIIIIIIINE#okay i need to shut up sorry#tw: vent#tw: rant#「mercury speaks」
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“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha
#my stuff#dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day#bc i skipped lab to take a nap#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates#like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em#or at least not as much as they seem to without me#it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space#and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl#idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism#it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work#bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter#i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit#i want it to stop#i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and#like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here#i don’t wanna wuss out#but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself#why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get#i’m tired of being tough#i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure
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A thing I pre-ordered months ago has shipped!
What's the thing?
Keepsake Quilting, and several other quilt companies/stores, put a sort of gift box together with fabric, notions, patterns, and gift cards in them. You don't know what you're getting, making it a surprise. I have never purchased one because they're expensive. This was 50% upfront, 50% when shipped, for a total of $150. Considering how much is in it, and what reviews were left the last several years, it's a steal. Plus, I wanna treat myself after having such a stressful and unpleasant year.
My mom and one of aunts have ordered such boxes in the past, but according to my mom, they're disappointing because she has so many of the things in the package, or no use for many of them. Rulers (some of which cost $30), needles, rotary cutters and extra blades (blades can be $10/each, new cutters up to $50), fabric marking tools (chalk pencils, disappearing ink, etc), precut fabric collections (jelly rolls can be $80, fat quarter collections up to $100 depending on number of FQs), and yardage ($12.99-$21.99/yard). She's been disappointed by "ugly" fabric too many times.
I, on the other hand, have significantly fewer tools. I make things for people to buy, and some folks love fabric I cannot stand (like x-mas and patriotic prints). There have been fabrics I consider well and truly hideous, and those I list in my shop or sell to people here. One person's trash is another's treasure, right? I've met people who think pastels are ugliest things to have ever existed. I think baby pink and green military camouflage look fantastic together, as well as turquoise and light hemp brown or terracotta and peacock blue. My mom finds them hideous. I think pink and any shade of brown look terrible together, or red and khaki (likely from working at Target and seeing is everywhere). Again, personal taste.
If any of you ever fancy treating me to one of these random collections of fabric and/or notions, feel free to do so. They're the sort of surprise I enjoy (that and people purchasing my work, especially from my shop). Sure, there are things that may he of no use to me, but others can use them. Nothing goes to waste.
This package will be arriving on November 18th, and has me giggling with excitement!
#words from the artist#my year has been filled with my husband nearly dying and us having thousands of dollars in medical bills to pay AFTER#the financial aid program forgave three of the six bills. we have around $5k of thag left to pay off#and one of the bills has gone to collections#plus my ear issues that cleared up after over six months of torment. my husband had to quit his previous job because working in#kitchens was slowly killing him and is now working fulltime in theory but not getting enough hours#i've sold virtually nothing and have had to beg for aid because not enough money due to lack of hours and lack of sales#my asthma throwing a fit and my sewing room being entirely too hot to work in and remaining that way for weeks at a time#then my left wrist being injured and leaving me unable to do virtually anything.#my husband then being taken to court by Unemployment three years after receiving the money. oh and being denied Unemployment#this year so for 10 weeks were on thoughts and prayers while he hunted for a non-kitchen job#plus his major surgery over the summer that was 100% covered by financial aid because we opted for a different hospital#there have been good things like he has insurance now and i'm abke to walk without feeling like i'm walking on glass#plus a few commissions over the summer. but those have been among the very few good things. oh and he won his court case#i would just like to have the rest of the year be filled with good things like all or most of my listed quilts selling. someone#commissioning me to finish the quilts i have listed as available to handquilting. the tops are finished but if i finish the quilts#completely they're gonna take up sooooo much space. even folded and rolled up. i store them in plastic bins to protect them but the#bins take up a lot of space. people praise my work and tell me hoe much they wanna buy it or will buy the things as soon as i list them...#and then no one buys them and the things just hang in my closet or rest in a bin. it's extremely disheartening to be repeatedly#disappointed. it has made me cry and question if it's worth making anything at all.
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1. it’s my 24th birthday today, so my goal of being published by the time i’m 25 is now a one year looming monster, but i never specified what kind of published and am currently looking in various literary magazines that are recommended for writers who have yet to be published, so i’m surprisingly confident that i can make it work? and tbh even if whatever i write isn’t officially published before my 25th birthday, if i have someone in the process of being published then i’ll be happy!! no matter what though, i’m gonna try to be proud of myself for at least giving it my best shot!!
2. i honestly love that my birthday is on the ides of march because the ides of march meme shitposting is only a thing on tumblr but it also being my birthday makes it easier to like. be excited about the ides of march outside of tumblr. like even in person i can be like “it’s my birthday! i’m an ides of march babe (:” and if someone is like oh what’s that? or if they say something along the lines of oh like julius caesar? i can be like yep!! and even if it’s a small thing outside of tumblr it brings me immense enjoyment and amusement being able to bring it up off of tumblr
3. transportation situation has been very rough since june 2023 when i totalled my car, my gap insurance are being assholes and i ended up putting my foot down on the phone with them yesterday which i’m pretty proud of because i am NOT a confrontational person (something i’ve been working on this past year, so seeing some improvement with my ability to hold my ground and not be a pushover yesterday was very cool!!) i was told i’d get a response from them by friday next week no matter what, and if i don’t then friday of next week i will continue to wreak havoc upon them. but my moms car which i’ve been using since my accident broke down yesterday, hopefully it’s fixable but my parents were saying it might be done for, so trying to think of how i’m gonna get to work next week is kind of stressing me out lmao, but for now i’m just gonna focus on enjoying my birthday the best i can because i don’t want to start off being 24 with an overwhelming anxiety for something that won’t be a potential issue until monday. plus i already messaged my boss today to let her know that i’m going to do everything i can to make it work out but just so she’s in the loop and knows of the potential of me not being able to make my morning shifts (one of my coworkers said she’s more than happy to give me a ride for our afternoon shifts which does help relieve some of the stress!) and i told her i’d let her know for sure sunday so that if necessary she can have time to figure out someone to fill in for me in the mornings!
overall: life is weird and i ended being 23 yesterday with a shitty situation but a positive outlook and i am going to enjoy my first day of being 24 no matter what because honestly i fucking earned it. happy friday everyone, i hope it’s a good day for you and me both!
#aritalks#i did cry a little bit when i first woke up because i dont really know what to do about work and also i hate not having a car i can use#not only because of the work aspect but also getting my license when i was 18 gave me a freedom i didn’t have before#and i don’t like having to rely on other people just to like go to the fucking store or something yk#but then my best friend/roommate messaged me happy birthday and i was like fuck it! today is going to be a good day!#the stressful uncertainties can wait until tomorrow#also one of my best friends who hasn’t said happy birthday to me the past two years#(not intentionally im p sure they were just busy on my birthdays the past two years#and then had that moment of ‘oh shit i didnt send a message fuck i think its too late now’ which i totally get bc anxiety things yk)#was one of the first people to message me happy birthday!!#i’m also hoping to still be able to go see my mom and then stay the night at my dads tonight#so i can see both my parents and also my baby siblings for my birthday#my dads working today but after he texted happy birthday i sent him a text asking if he thinks we could still make it work#my mom is asleep still i think (she called me at midnight and left a voicemail singing happy birthday!! but her sleep schedule has been all#over the place recently so i’m waiting until 11:30 to call her which is in like 30 mins)#but she said something yesterday about driving out to me to give me a hug and also bring me my diabetes stuff that got delivered#(her house is my mailing address because i know it’s not going to change bc it’s my great grandparents house that she’s partially inhereting#when my great grandpa dies but since i have moved out of my dads my address has changed twice and i didnt have a mailbox at my last place so#just for the sake of consistency and not having to worry about important shit getting sent to the wrong address i’ve had her house as my#mailing address since i moved out of my dads at 19)#so i think i’m gonna ask her if she can just pick me up instead so i can go to her house w her and hang out with her#and hopefully my dad will be able to at least stop by with my siblings so i can see them too#i’d like to stay the night with them but if we can’t make it happen then i can also stay the night w my mom and hopefully tomorrow figure#out the car situation. might have to rent a car for a week if i can afford it? best case scenario is my moms car can be fixed but i still#dont know whats wrong with it ik there are two potential problems and one is fixable the other is not#the fixable one would cost like $150-$400 to fix depending on if we get a used part or a new one#if its $150-$200 ish i can probably afford to pay for the whole thing or at least most of it#but if its more than that hopefully my dad or one of my family members can help#and i can just pay them back in like $50 increments with my next few paychecks#just realized i said i wouldnt worry abt the car thing today and also i think im at tag limit to i’ll stop now lmao xoxo gossip girl ❤️
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me n my older cousin were supposed to go see FNAF this week, but she just called and she has to cover for someone on Friday
#i had something to actually look forward to yhis week#and now plans are cancelled#we'll reschedule of course but#after yhat call i was legitimately about to cry..and im at WORK#me n my cuz are rlly rlly close#and its been a while since we hanged#granted last time we met it was summer but junior year is eating me up and i jist wanted to do something that would keep me going a while#coral talks#im fine now but yhe emotional damage i had just took#okay yhis is more about getting away from work and spending#time with my cousin than just the FNAF movie#it was out thing back when it came out
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lowkey worried my birthday is gonna be a disaster now... lmao.
#2 of the people i invited straight up aren't going now bc of circumstances#2 others said they'll try to make it 'after work' but never specified what time that would actually be#1 friend promised to bring snacks and stuff but then turned out to have work that same evening so she's probably not gonna be there at all#1 other friend said they're just straight up gonna leave early; probably before other people even start to show up#my friend I've known since we were 13 said she's excited to go but also hasn't hung out with me in years so idk if she'll show or not#and given how awkward last night was hanging out with 2 of my other friends who are hooking up now I kinda.. don't wanna deal with that#so like at this rate it's probably just gonna be my goth girl bestie and that one gay boy from work#watching me eat and drink too much while jamming to classic rock and then cry on the floor while my gf tries to console me#anyway im overthinking it will probably be fine. im just. a mess. i need to be drunk again already#ruby rambles
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do i feel a physical pull and feel real disappointment i cant hug will graham a few times a day yeah what about it
#personal#sometimes i see a picture of will or hannibal and hm. want to hug.#like my body’s prepped for it but ur never gonna get it#and then i’m aware that i don’t touch people very often which i’m fine with but ohhhhhhh maybe you be less insane if that happened more#maybe the urge to hug will and hannibal is just an urge to hug someone#no but last time i got hugged was. hm.#hang out with gg. then i got hugged at work last week when i was crying#then last time before that was the 2 last hang out i had with gg#i think most of my contact comes from occasional meetings with gg and we get all gross and sappy and huggy after#i’m lifting her up she’s wrapping legs around me i got my nose buried in her shoulder then she beats the shit out of me while making fun of#me for being touch starved#so funny that one time she was like i’m gonna touch and over stimulate you on purpose bc it’s funny#she also thinks it’s funny when i have to tap out of eye contact when it gets too mh h
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guy i have a crush on who works at my local comic book store gave me his number but he fucked up the second to last number so i cant tell if its a 0 or a 5 and when i texted both i got no response. Im going again to the store tomorrow since its batman day and im just gonna hand him my phone to put his number in it. But if i actually guessed the number right and he was purposely ignoring my text im gonna eviscerate him with my bare hands
#im screaming. im crying. im throwing up#fingers crossed im overthinking and i didnt guess the right number#he looked so nervous handing me my receipt with his number on it!!!! his hands were kinda shaking#i was on cloud nine the rest of that day cause i was so happy#i couldnt stop smiling for half an hour#listen. ive had a little crush on him since last year#he likes comics and historical fashion so like Heart Eyes#anyway it was his birthday a few weeks ago and after i asked if he had any cake and he said no and that his fav was lemon#so i made a lemon cake with lemon curd filling and lemon icing from scratch and brought him a big slice eariler this week#after that was when he gave me his number#he looked kinda shocked when i told him it was lemon and he commented saying that is his fav. like Bitch I Know!!! I remembered!!!!#i made lemon curd from scratch for you!!!#i juiced and jested 2 pounds of lemons for that cake!!!#anyway it is pretty good and im happy with it regardless of if i get a date from it#but im hoping i get a date cause after he gave me his number he said maybe we could hang out this weekend#likeYesIWouldLoveTo
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#'hold your breath and hold on tight‚ hunker down‚ try not to cry'#'tell the critters that you love‚ that you love them‚ that's enough'#'cause there's no stopping what's to come‚ some shit's just etched into the stars‚ calamities you can't outrun'#it's been a difficult six months or so after being presented with some inevitable future losses‚ you kind of just disengage with everything#then try to stay distracted with busywork and things that don't take much focus. It's infuriating when something's happening and you#can't do anything to help or change the outcome or fix it. It's just there and happening and you have to watch and do nothing even knowing#where it's potentially going. And the worst part is‚ it can look like it's getting better and things can look promising‚ and in a span of#days it's all downhill. And I did not expect one of my stupid little distractions to punch me in the face with my reality‚ but here we are.#Our roof is finally fixed though‚ so there's that. It rained for two days and the rain stayed outside instead of coming in. It's been a#good number of years since that was the case. I learned how to make a custard pie last month. The spiral ham I like is on a good sale and#I'm getting one for Christmas. I gave in and spent $150 on UGG men's boots because the ones I had to buy to be in a wedding party five#years ago impressed me but were women's boots. They're super warm. I found a Christmas card that was the leg lamp from A Christmas Story to#send to a friend. Someone gave my housemate Wawa gift cards and now we're fully stocked on free egg nog. A rep at work brought me a little#holiday bag at work with a 'champagne' bottle of french vanilla hot chocolate mix and some nice candy. There's a squirrel who's gotten#spoiled by getting peanuts and now he hangs outside my second-story window on the tree and barks at me to demand more. Rent is going down#in my city of choice and hopefully things go well to move out of this city by the end of next year. Humans are going back to the moon. The#Webb Telescope has been showing us things at the edge of the galaxy I never thought I'd see. Otters and bats and owls and cats exist.#Humans have achieved net positive nuclear fusion...we made a star in a bottle. It's too early to be up right now on a Saturday.
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actually going to throw the hugest fit over my parents making me do dishes. i am HAPPY to do dishes on assigned nights. it's FINE. i hate it so much but i'll get it done and if i'm having constant breakdowns over it then like. idk. maybe that's another issue that you should be looking into but it doesn't mean that i'm not up for doing the dishes. but now my mom wants to have the five of us just. do the dishes on a rotation? which is FUCKED cause i have SHIT to do! the fuck happens when i have dnd? or want to go out with a friend? or have class until late? literally worst fucking idea on earth i can do the fucking dishes but i have to be PREPARED for it. for instance don't make it so every other week i'll be fucking Doing something when it's my night to do the dishes
#so tired and lowkey pissed off about this i'm going to cry#my mom got rlly upset cause the dishes weren't getting done. fair.#my nights got Done most of the time and i volunteered to take on an extra night so idk. i think that should count for something.#but she got upset and said that she would just do dishes from now on#and then realized it was a lot of work and said she couldn't do it on her own and needed people to help#and then said 'we should do it this way!' and never actually implemented that way#like. just said it out loud. but then like. expected it to magically happen?#babe you can't just throw out a hypothetical and go 'alright! now that i have spoken it into existence it's going to happen'#fucking WHATEVER though. cause now it's going to be my fun little dishes night on friday when i have dnd.#first fuckin round of it.#and it's not even that i don't want to i CAN'T do the fucking dishes on friday cause i'm barely in the house!#i'll be home on friday after work for fifteen minutes tops!#so. going to complain. literally some of us have schedules that take up the nighttime.#sorry that neither of my little siblings hang out with people or have regular social engagements or work late or have class late.#but unfortunately i'm literally doing shit. and i need to incorporate things into my schedule or it's gonna fuck all my shit up#and then people will be angry with me for not getting the dishes done. so. again. fuck me i guess#it'll be fine i'll talk to her i just. ugh. the world if mothers just fucking talked about what they wanted and needed to happen#she proposed that Multiple weeks ago and just now i heard her in the kitchen going 'i thought we were doing this...'#bitch since WHEN??? SINCE WHEN??? YOU HAVEN'T BROUGHT IT UP IN A FULL WEEK AT LEAST#throwing my fucking laptop against the wall i'm so fucking tired i just want to sleep#valentine notes
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(Context: I am Level 1 autistic and sometimes experience verbal shutdowns)
Things I appreciate someone doing if I’m upset and cannot talk:
- only asking one question at a time
- asking yes/no or binary questions instead of vague ones (Ex: “do you need space?” instead of “what do you need?”)
- being okay with not receiving an answer at all, and moving on (or rephrasing questions if necessary)
- accepting gesture, sign language, and/or AAC without pointing it out as unusual or joking about it
- offering comfort items or distractions, and allowing me to choose whether or not to use them myself
- treating me with respect and not talking down to me; there is a difference between being gentle and treating me like a child
- not assuming that I will regain speech as soon as I feel better
- letting me joke around and participate in conversations without speaking, even when I look happy and calm
- choosing communal activities that are low-key and don’t rely on verbal speech, such as watching a show, painting, or looking at memes together
- understanding if I need space, and leaving me be if I walk away from a conversation or leave suddenly
- letting me use comfort items and stim, even if it looks weird to you
- understanding that saying words =/= having full speech again; I usually regain echolalia before being able to generate my own sentences
#this is not a vague post this is a thank you#to everyone who has been patient with me when I’ve had a verbal shutdown#because I have time and again been met with incredible kindness and understanding as an adult#from my dnd groups. from close friends. from club members. from classmates.#the vast majority of people have been kind and patient and have let me calm down and communicate in the ways I can at my own pace#like in DND last year when I shut down after a tense fight because I was scared a character was gonna die#I couldn’t talk when we split up the loot after. so the DM read off the loot one by one and had us raise hands to claim it.#no teasing. no pointing it out. just smoothly running with it.#or when I was at my friends house and wound up crying in the middle of a convo and shutting down#and they gave me space to calm down and let me sign/text to talk. gave me a plushie and showed me Pinterest boards for dnd characters#no judgement. no pressure. just hanging out and calming down until I was okay. I was eventually able to tell jokes with sign and text.#or when I was in theatre and my prof saw I wasn’t okay and asked if I needed to go home. and then told me to go home when I couldn’t respond#and the autism club members who didn’t act awkward or rude about me being quiet while they chatted about movies. and patiently waited for me#to sign or get a couple words out so I could participate in the conversation.#or my classmates in the bio lab that night who treated me like normal and compared notes with me and let me type answers to their questions#to everyone who has been patient with me: thank you. I love you. it means more than I can express.
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head in hands FINAL FANTASY
#🌙.rambles#i just. really want to listen to dedicated to moonlight already it's driving me insane#n i really want to replay ffix 🥺 i still rmb playing a lot through yk terra n pandaemonium n stuff n that ancient tree#during those brownouts hehe. i still rmb very well#i remember going upstairs n crying to myself in a corner bcs of the ending#w vivi !!!! :c n then i got infuriated too bcs i didn't realize i accidentally turned off bgm midway my game or smth#i have no idea how i didn't notice#but i was waiting for melodies of life n it didn't play 😭😭 so yeah that's how i realized. but i went back a bit tho#so i cld listen from around. hmmm i can't rlly remember but at least w behind the door & melodies of life yes#n then before ffix was ff7r i rmb apollo n i watching some ff7r stuff n cc on yt then#our dad saw n the day after he bought it :^) i love my family sm sobs#n then we used to take turns bcs only 1 ps4 then n we'd also sched like. 2 hours play n then 30 minutes rest or smth#i rmb when zack first appeared i was crying too man T_T i love video games n stories sm bcs#back then i rlly bottled my emotions even more n yk ^^ were an outlet :^) i love them so very much#OH YEAH finally finished ffxv too then 🤍 kh3 too around that time bcs. yk 2020 lockdown. a lot of switch games too#i still rmb my notes while playing those games T_T#& i rmb looking too around like. early october or even earlier i think. i was searching up a bunch of ff charas#hang on. i said i'll be productive but i really really don't want to work on this script#tmrrw i can rest though. don't rlly have much to do aside from. ah reviews on saturday i have to catch up#bcs i got sick last saturday n cldn't pay attention :c but other than that. the stuff due next week mon/tues r easy#n wed to fri no classes <3 just. have to get this bs done. i hate my group.
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